I Heart Roger Clark

It's been an embarassingly long time since I wrote about my favorite NY1 guy and that could be because (drum roll please)...Roger Clark is now officially H-O-T. You heard me right (and by You, I mean Me since I'm probably the only one who knows or cares that I've fired up the blog again). I don't know what the guy's been doing, lo these many months, but he is fit, tanned, and ready for ACTION. Yesterday he was in the boxing ring, going a few rounds with an old skooler. I found myself mesmerized. "Look at those gams!" I thought to myself. "Where's the belly?" I wondered. You'll only know it's Clark if you see him sporting dress shirts from his "I Was A Fat Guy Once" collection. The neck is about 6 sizes too big.

Roger Clark, you're dreamy...

Briefly, I feel I must note that Roger has been looking pretty damn good lately. Dare I say, hot?? Yes, our guy has cleaned up for 2007. He's fit, trim, be-suited, be-tied, and sporting some pretty awesome skin. I think I have a crush. Better yet, I'm taking full credit for the transformation. Rog, when GQ comes 'a' callin', remember me fondly. I will forever delude myself into thinking that it was the loving touch of I Heart Roger Clark that took the hot dog out of your hand, and put the cashmere coat on your back. I miss the goofy guy I knew and loved, but Hot Roger ain't too shabby. Pat Kiernan better hold on to his hairdo. In the Papers might have a new dude in town and his name is Clark. Roger Clark. Shaken and not stirred.

Me-ow.

Well folks, we've just about come to the end. I Heart Roger Clark will be going on an indefinite hiatus. I feel we've grown a little closer to the guy who made morning news riotously funny there for awhile. So here's to you, Roger Clark. May your polos always be brown and your giggle always be charming. Even though there have been a lot more suits and ties lately, don't get too serious on us, Big Guy. Local cable needs you. Like Cats, you are now and forever.

xo
Jen

So sorry I neglected to post the other day when Roger was getting his flirt on in Williamsburg with short-haired artist chickie Caroline Woolard whose primary claim to fame are stools that she blow-torches to street signs. Though Caroline's website -with its pretentious musings on "reclaiming public space for the public" - is annoying, I have to say I appreciate this creative gesture even if she is a hipster. Roger took a seat and pretended to fall asleep. I'm pretty sure Rog and Caroline are dating now (what wife?).

This morning, Rog chatted with Rep. Carolyn Mahoney - who is most definitely not a hipster and would only be considered a chickie in the parallel universe of my nightmares - who took the red-eye from Albany just to chat with Clark about the fact that important historical documents will be making an appearance at Federal Hall in Lower Manhattan. Rog was wearing a suit and seemed dumbstruck that anyone would have actually flown in at the crack of dawn to chat with him about this. I think he also secretly wished that this Carolyn was also secretly an artist with a blow-torch. Now that would have been a news story.

Roger - dressed for the company holiday party - was at the Full Gospel Food Pantry today, admiring a box of organic fruity pebbles. While I too like to kid myself into believing that a cereal is healthy just because the box has cartoon characters of endangered species on it, I've learned my lesson. The "healthy" version of Cap'n Crunch or Crunch Berries are still gonna pack on the pounds. Trust me, Clark. My jeans are tight just thinking about it.

P.S. Pat K. and Rog have tapered back on their banter and Clark has taken assignments that only the biggest jacka** would dare poke fun at. Is it the fear of the poisoned blog barb? I sense a more serious Rog in the New Year. Say it ain't so.

P.P.S. Ok, so it turns out that not only is the cereal in question not organic, but its made by General Mills and is a marketing ploy for something called Neopets - "the greatest Virtual Pet Site on the Internet." This is incredible for a few reasons: One, there's a website where you can create your own pet. Whatever happened to mom and dad buying their kids a dog? Two, ok, how about a canary? Three, there's actually a cereal named after a site promoting imaginary pets. I wonder if this cereal has imaginary calories? If so, go on and eat all you want, Rog. And send me a box.

Roger was on the streets of SoHo today reporting on the cobblestone "problem" facing the residents there. Apparently, the antique stones - one of which Roger was holding at the beginning of the report until the weight of its vintage-ness became too much - are moving around (bad cobblestones!) and lots of folks have been getting their Prada heels caught during boutique runs. The shame of it all. Rest assured Over-priced Loft Owners, those messy streets (so hard to find good help nowadays) are being put back together properly just in time for the holiday season. You are free once more to pretend that you live in Europe.

I've got to get off the crack or NY1 needs to stop giving Rog assignments that can be turned into silly headlines leaving our man wide open for the barbs of mean kids who come wielding electronic "Kick Me" notes. Case in point, this morning's Roger Report focussed on today's Board of Health meeting during which its members will vote on three things:

1. Banning trans fat: The government wants to get all up in your business

2. U Pick Yr Gender: The government says go ahead, get up in your own business.

3. Dogs, Their Leashes, and the People Who Hold Them: The government says that dogs can do their business, but only where it says so.

What an unfortunate trifecta of issues to have to get on a microphone and talk about. This is dinner theater at its very worst. In typical fashion, the man-on-the-street interviews also took a bizarre turn. My favorite was the older woman who - when asked for her feelings on the City's involvement in our food choices - responded "I've got oatmeal in my bag. I just want to know what I'm doing." So do we, honey.

Poor Rog - clad only in his barn jacket - looked extra sleepy today. Hopefully, he was able to get himself a nice trans fat-free doughnut and a warm cup of coffee to take the edge off.