I Heart Roger Clark

I am generally of the opinion that absolutely no one, except my mother and I, read anything that I write. So it came as a surprise to me when, not long after starting this blog, Mister Roger Clark and his antics disappeared from the airwaves. Sure NY1 was still there, with the likes of, god help us all, the hyper-kinetic Shelly Goldberg and The Parenting Report. I might add that Goldberg, who doesn’t seem to know anything about parenting, strikes me as perhaps a frustrated mime. Any time she talks, in that staccato speech reserved for adults trained as party clowns, I fully expect her to blow up a balloon into the shape of a dachshund. But I digress. Roger was missing and I felt wholly responsible. Perhaps he had read of my great love of his buffoonery, not to mention his polo shirts. Had my good-natured comments taken the maestro from us? Then I started hearing through the grapevine (actually from the 3 or 4 folks I know who idolize R.C. as much as I do) that he was back on the air after a two week vacation. I checked the NY1 site and sure enough there were at least 3 reports filed by The Man himself but I had missed them! How? Had he changed his schedule because he knew when I’d be watching? I was also alerted to the fact that he had foregone his usual shlumpy garb for, drumroll please, SUITS. Now I was convinced: Clark had changed his attire and his schedule to keep away from the likes of me and my poison keyboard. Maybe it’s the unemployment talking here, but I started to feel like Bruce Almighty. I was changing the world, or at least basic cable, from the comfort of my own couch.

This morning I got up, had a cup of coffee, and settled in with my all-powerful computer. Who would I blow off the air today? Just as I was starting to feel wistful and sick at the thought of changing the name of the blog to “I Hate Shelly Goldberg,” who should appear but our man in the flesh! There was Roger, at exactly the same time he had always been on, but something was different. He was wearing a suit, AND A MATCHING TIE?! I calmed myself with the notion that he was probably reporting from some important municipal event that required formal dress. No, he was reporting on the first day of school. In a suit? Hello, invasion of the body snatchers! What was going on here? Once again I thought back to my all-powerful blog. From this point forward, Roger was going to just report the facts and he was going to dress like your dad while he was doing it even if it killed him. I felt myself deflating as he gave Kristen Shaughnessy – sitting in for the irrepressible Pat Kiernan – a detailed report on the opening of public schools across the city. All without an ounce of irony. It was truly the end of days. And then, like a bolt of lightening, my hopes were restored when Roger pulled out a beanie with the spinny thing on top and put it on. He also showed off a couple of photos of himself from third grade and commented for all of us who were blind that his teeth were no longer buck to the point of absurdity. He claimed that this was an annual tradition: the donning of the beanie and the revelation of the class photos. I don’t remember it, but I’m happy to embrace it if so.

After an awkward throw back to Kristen, I felt the spring return to my step. All was right and good in the world now that Roger was back to make fun of (it.).